My review of OMGYES, the website trying to close the orgasm gap

So I bought OMGYES and here’s my review of it.

What is OMGYES?

Here’s the intro video:

OMGYES.com intro from FGS on Vimeo.

Basically, OMGYES is aimed at closing the orgasm gap.

According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB), the last time they had sexytimes, 91% of men surveyed had an orgasm but only 64% of women did.

The idea is stupid-simple. Ask a bunch of women what feels good to them, find the patterns, then teach other women how to do those moves.

Co-founders Lydia Daniller and Rob Perkins had a research team interview 1,000 women about how they like to be touched and then commissioned Kinsey Institute researcher Dr. Debby Herbenick and Dr. Brian Dodge at Indiana University to conduct a nationally representative survey of another 1,000 women. This qualitative and quantitative research forms the basis of their recommended techniques.

It’s like you’re handed a map when you are born and told there’s treasure somewhere but you have to find it. OMGYES has colored in the paths that most other women have successfully used to find the treasure. Learning where the paths that tend to work are located just seems like such an obvious win.

Why did I buy OMGYES?

It appealed to me for three reasons: The research, the tech, the results. First, I’m generally interested in academic quantitative research on human sexuality. And I also feel that female sexual pleasure is a woefully understudied topic. So I’m happy to support this research endeavor. Second, the teaching method involves interactive videos with haptic feedback. I’m curious to try that out. Third, I’m not very good at masturbating. Or directing my lovers on how to touch me, other than to constantly say “lighter.” I find most of my own touches (and others’ touches too, tbh) kind of terrible!

Not knowing is frustrating and trying new things is frustrating so I have my method that involves pressing myself onto the bed and I rarely deviate from that. I love sex. And I think it’s normal for the thing that gets you off to be mostly mental. But I wish it weren’t so difficult for me and my partners to get me off with our hands and their mouths. I suspect that if I knew what was mostly likely to feel good and wasted less time on stimulation that doesn’t, playing around with my vagina would be more fun and less frustrating.

Thoughts on OMGYES

It’s got a very easy and intuitive checkout process.

The interface is modern and attractive. Although I would have preferred it be more clear where I am supposed to start.

screen-shot-2016-10-23-at-4-04-40-pm

Once you click on a video, there are helpful hints about how to use the page and what is what.

screen-shot-2016-10-23-at-4-07-22-pm

I’m not exactly completely unread about sexuality, so I didn’t expect to learn a ton. For example, I’d heard of the “edging” technique to create stronger orgasms. But I found I learned things that not only did I not know about women’s orgasms, but things I found totally unintuitive, such as the specific fact that edging led to longer, more intense orgasms for 65.5% of women studied. More generally, I had no ideally that there are three main edging techniques, and for most women just one of them does the trick.

The edging instructional video had the woman in the screenshot totally naked, touching her inner labia, and explaining what she’s doing. Which was jarring at first, to be honest. I’ve never seen a woman masturbating outside of porn (well, IRL a few times).

zoey

One thing that’s cool about the videos is the little things that you realize are normal. Like, I find that touching myself the way that I loved one time will do nothing for me the next, which is hella frustrating but also made me feel weird. But hearing Amber talk about sometimes having to find the sensitive spot on her vulva because it moves made me feel normal and like, “We’re in this together!”

The road test

So I took some of what I learned in the “teasing” module and tried it out IRL. That consisted of getting high and watching the Mindy Project, and then pausing when Dr. Jody Kimball-Kinney appeared on screen in a thin white tee. (Don’t judge me.) After teasing myself to orgasm, my lovely partner offered to help me try out some techniques.

It was awesome. It’s not so much that trying the technique is breaking new ground. It isn’t. It’s that I felt confident in directing him to use the technique. I was confident that it would work (2,000 women!) and confident that it was a normal thing to ask for. And, perhaps most importantly, confident to insist that it go on long enough to really work. According to OMGYES, teasing usually doesn’t work until you’ve done it a bunch of times. Truth be told, I wish there had been more teasing before the awesome sex we ended up having. And I felt confident enough to tell my partner that later that night.

This is kind of a breakthrough for me. I often get bored and anxious during the part of foreplay that’s focused on my pleasure, and end up cutting it early and switching to giving a blow job or something else I know my partner likes in order to keep things moving and keep my mind engaged. This is a mistake. It teaches my partners that I don’t want much head/touching/etc. when the truth is that I do want it. In fact I really need it. Just not like that. And it robs us of the opportunity to work together to find out what gets me out of my head and turned on.

Who it’s for

If you also find yourself bored and anxious during foreplay, this is a good investment. It’s really nice to hear other women say, in essence, “Immediate, rough, dry fingerbanging isn’t foreplay.” And, “Going straight for the most sensitive area of my body and pressing hard on it after 2 minutes of kissing not only does not arouse me but actually feels horrible.” And, “Do not think that you are good at sex if you can’t move your tongue and/or mouth in the exact same way for five minutes straight.”

I had a pretty good grip on what didn’t feel good before OMGYES. But I didn’t know what to insist on trying, and what to insist on continuing. Most partners, if they tease me, do it for about 30 seconds before trying to put some part of their body inside mine. That’s not enough, not only for me, but for most women, according to the research. Maybe it shouldn’t, but it really helps me demand more to have other women backing me up, saying that the fact that it’s not working is because you need to do it longer. Which is somewhat counterintuitive.

I’d say, based on my experience, that every single man who has sex with women should buy OMGYES. Like, now. Y’all are not teasing enough, not consistent enough, not any of these things enough. None of you are.

I’d be curious about other women’s thoughts on why they would, or wouldn’t, be open to trying OMGYES. Let me know in the comments.

190 Comments

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  1. Heather

    For the non-orgasmers – I made it to 35 without having one and then once I’d gotten over the initial hurdle it was a fairly slow process getting more confident to a) even allow myself to want more of them and b) be patient with myself to figure out how to do it and not give up and then c) relax enough to have one with a partner (I thankfully, finally! have a really great partner who loves sex and especially giving me pleasure). Now I have gotten really good at it and am making up for lost time. I have all kinds of truly wild, multiple orgasms that I really never dreamed could happen. So, hang in there. Try to enjoy the journey of getting there, maybe by yourself first. Wish I could hug you all. I love this comments thread. x

    • K

      Heather, thank you, I love this comment! I’m 35 and still never had an orgasm, and have spent years feeling broken and worthless. I’d given up trying for a long time but after reading all these comments I’m feeling hopeful again…. It’s just amazing to hear that other people have had a similar experience (and why don’t we hear about this more often? I always thought I was the only one.) Keep enjoying yourself 🙂

      • S

        Heather and K,
        Thank you. I’m 38 and haven’t had an orgasm. I thought there was something wrong with me. I’m so comforted to know I’m not the only one.
        x
        S

      • Hi ladies! I love this app and as a pelvic floor PT feel very strongly about everyone having a fulfilling orgasmic sex life. Our bodies are so complicated and societal norms prevent us from talking about our struggles! We all run into issues whether it’s not knowing what gives us pleasure, suddenly having new a baby in the house, easily distracted during the moment. There are always tools to work through things and know there are professionals trained to help you learn more about your body, sex therapists and pelvic floor physical therapists specialize in the mechanical and chemical changes that need to occur during sex and can provide you will tools to jump your barriers.

  2. Sofia

    So here’s the thing. I love how openly masturbation is being discussed here and I’ve never been one to by shy about that with partners. However, I’ve never had a very good relationship with my Vulva in that, I don’t find it attractive. I have large inner labia that hang and I just can’t masturbate in front of my partner because I genuinely don’t think my vulva is nice to look at. i’ve had this hang up about my labia for a long time. The only thing that hasn’t made me have the appearance altered (as in, getting work done to improve appearance) is that none of my boyfriends complained ever and have shown that they fully enjoy giving me head and are fully turned on by it. I think this is the ONLY thing holding me back from fully letting go sexually. Wonder if any other women also have this hang up and how they over came it. 🙂

    • Wain H.

      As a man who loves large labia lips, I assure you your selfconsciousness over your lip size is only you. Your beautiful just as you are. The sooner you see yourself as normal and beautiful, the sooner you will enjoy showing those beautiful lips to your lovers….we are all different. There’s no normal just individuals. Anybody that doesn’t see you beautiful as you are isn’t worth your time.

    • Colleen

      For what it’s worth, my ex-girlfriend has labia similar to yours (at least from description) and I’ve always just fondly associated what they feel and look like with her. Labia are as unique to a person as any other part of them, which as far as I’m concerned means that if it’s a person I care about, I’m also fond of each of their parts. There’s a vagina coffee table book out there called “Vagina 101” that could probably help you deal with any “othering” that you might be feeling from what it seems you’re seeing as having a “different” vagina.

    • Barbara

      I know how you feel, I have the simmilar vulva shape. I also have a problem of having BV frequently (which makes me smell bad), but I can still relax if I get turned on enough. I think that we get this perspective that we have look like women from porn, when a lot of them are unnatural and NOT ENJOYING the sex at all. I believe OmgYes helpes because you can see different and normal women and hear what they will say. I’m super excited to try it!!! Try to be aware of the fact that a lot of womens vulva looks like yours and mine and I bet a lot of them and their partners are not even thinking about it.
      Good luck!

    • Cathy

      To Sofia: I’m writing because I really recognized myself in your comment and I know that in this situation, you can think that you’re the only woman in the world with this issue (how often do we compare vaginas…?) and I wanted to let you know that you aren’t. I used to be very self-conscious about my vulva as well, because my labia is large and “hangs”, as you said. I felt very uneasy in front of a new partner for a very long time. Until I realized that I was the only one who cared about it. None of my partners ever mentioned it looking “different” or brought it up. Not a single one. And I realized that it’s because every woman they’d been with looked different down there, in the same way that every penis looks different, and there are no real expectations of what it’s going to look like.
      Also, let’s face it, guys are just pretty thrilled to be having sex with a naked woman to begin with. It’s a very feminine thing to do to immediately go into self-doubt and guilt and self-counsciousness (of course, some men feel that way too, mostly re: performance anxiety, but I suspect it affects predominantly women).
      Body issues are normal. We all have them. But for me, the day I let go was also the day I accepted to trust my partner. To trust that he found me attractive despite (and sometimes because of) the things I dislike most about myself. To trust that if he didn’t find me attractive, he wouldn’t be there.
      As they say in Frozen: Let it gooooo!

    • xxx

      Sofia please learn to love your labia, I stupidly opted for surgery to alter mine due to similar hang ups at a young age and it’s hands down the biggest mistake I have ever made. Appreciate your own beauty and uniqueness and how much of a turn on it has been for your partners. Concentrate on the sensations rather than the appearance and feel blessed to have more to play with!? Your own unique lady flower. We have the tendency to focus on our flaws to a degree where we actually obscure our own appearance in our minds. Trust me what you have there is worth so much more than you believe. Please don’t risk your beautiful foof for scar tissue and discomfort as I did, get on and enjoy sex as you are and were always intended to be! Peace xxx

    • Belinda

      Sofia,

      I have an “outie” vagina and honestly, guys really don’t care. What they do care about is a sexual partner who is thoroughly turned on and wants to have sex with them. As a result, they tend to find few things sexier than a woman touching herself in front of them. Most won’t be able to watch for long without joining in. It’s an empowering experience for sure. I really hope you learn to love your vagina!

    • Joanna

      Hi

      I had this hang up too, watched a recent documentary on BBC about surgery and was considering surgery.

      Then I read an article about ‘pulling’. It’s where young girls are encouraged to pull their inner labia to make it longer, because it will lead to more arousal from partners, and better sex. I was kind of mind blown. I had never considered that longer might be better, and that people were actively trying to achieve this look! This perspective has definitely helped my confidence!

    • Jess

      I think you May be forgetting how ugly penises are. They are wrinkled and floppy like an elephant trunk until erect and then they are just a shiny rod with hairy, wrinkly, dangly balls. But we have learned to love them. Many men really do love your vulva. It’s not ugly, it’s exotic and there’s more to play with. I have a perfect looking vagina, it is neat and tidy and lovely and yet i loved the way my ex gf had long inner lips. It looked like a butterfly.
      Own it. Walk around naked more, take pictures of your vagina and send them to your partner. Look in the mirror at your vulva every day until it feels normal. Your body is beautiful and toy have to force yourself to learn that

      • Gabby

        Jess- perfect is an objective term. Using these kinds of adjectives to describe your “innie” vagina, is one of the reason why women with “outies” feel less than. I’d encourage you to rethink using this type of description!

    • Carris

      Hi Sofia, I’m replying coz I’ve had the same feelings for years and I’ve been married for 26! Since watching porn as a teen I became convinced my large labia were abnormal and unattractive. Like you tho, no one has ever commented or given me reason to think they agree with me and I’m married to a Dr who is well aware of the range of female physical presentations! But how many of us get to see each other’s female parts?!
      I have held back on what feels like more daring sexual antics for the same reasons you mention (and also partly due to, after 26 years, what my partner’s response might be, and yes I’m aware it’ll probably be eager, but still…!) Recently I saw a piece of art – plaster casts of about 20 different female genitalia and it was quite a revelation. They were all soooo different and a number of them were very similar to mine, with long, labia that did not ‘tuck into’ the outer folds. Wow, I’m different but so is everyone else and some people are different like me! I am working up to some intentional sexual behaviour, including sharing these concerns with my husband that is going to change my sex life! How about you?! Xx

    • Leo

      Hi Sofia! Me too also have a big inner labia and even if I don’t think that much about it, I also don’t apreciatte that much this characteristic of my vulva. But, like you, I never heard a bad comment about it from my partners from the past and my partner in present really like it. I had once other nice comment about it from a guy I was having casual sex with that said that he really enjoyed to touch them and kind of squeeze them. At the moment I see it like another part of my body that has a role in my sexuality and my partner helps me with that cause he says that it looks like a beautiful mouth asking to be kissed. Hope that my testify will help you somehow to release yourself from the image that your inner labia is not the way it should be! Enjoy.

    • Alicia

      @Sofia
      Let’s be honest- no one’s genitals are attractive, certainly not testicles or penises either. In and of themselves they’re weird fleshy parts attached in odd ways. But when they can turn on someone we like- that is attractive! So don’t worry about how your parts look. They’re not the prize- you are.

      • Doris

        my thoughts exactly! I‘m bisexual and have had quite a few partners, and none of them looked alike „down there“. And I always get exasperated when men ask – is it big enough? are others‘ bigger? – because I don‘t usually notice nor do I remember. Genitals look WEIRD and wrinkly when observed in cold blood. And in the act no one is interested in what they look like, but only in what they can DO. So let those lovely lips kiss and be kissed ;D

    • Stefani

      Sofia, I definitely had this hang up and from time to time still do! What has helped me move passed it is a) a loving partner that tells me how much they love my vagina and everything related to it and b) porn. I know a lot of people shy away from porn. However, I have found that because I watch lesbian porn just being exposed to all the variations in female genitalia has allowed me to come to the realization that we come in all shapes, sizes, and colours. And you realize that your insecurities about specific “weird” or “unattractive” features are actually present on many other women. I know that is something we get told since grade school but for me I had to truly see it to believe.

      I hope this helps.

    • Seia

      I do as well, And am always self conscious about it. However, I’ve never had a sexual partner (male or female) say anything positive or negative about it. Now, being married, I think I’m the only one who beats myself up over it!

    • Check out ‘The Great Wall of Vagina’ by Jamie McCartney. A lot of the time I think we don’t like the look of our own vulva because we have an idea of how it ‘should’ look. This art work shows a huge range of ‘normal’ – that there is no one (or 10, or even 100) right way for a vulva to look. Perhaps it will help you accept yours. <3

    • Robin

      I’m with you. I have a very full labia, and it wasn’t until my now husband started finding ways to derive his own pleasure from nibbling, sucking, pinching, pulling lightly etc., that I realized it’s a playzone for him! He loves it, and one of my biggest turn ons is when he gently puts a hand on each side and spreads me apart slightly, eventually spreading me apart with his lips and fingers, and then, of course, his penis. It can be a lot of fun for man, trust me, they aren’t picky, and the surgery will delay all this fun you should be having 😉 Good luck!

    • Alix

      Hi Sofia,
      Yep – totally get you there. It sounds like we’ve got similar anatomy and I used to be so shy about getting head to the point that I didn’t ever want it, or full frontal nudity, and I kinda blame porn for giving me this idea that my long inner labia is in any way wrong, ugly, anything. I’ve never had that feedback from a guy (or girl). There’ve been -um- plenty.

      Now I model for live art drawing; it’s not the focus but I’m sure they could see it if they wanted to; and it doesn’t bother me the least in intimate encounters.
      The switch must have been in finding a kink in exhibitionism, and now -if I think about it at all- it almost feels like I’m able to be more intimate; I have more to share down there.
      I still don’t think it’s necessarily “pretty” but I do think it’s Hot. 😉

      Hope that helps x

    • Holly

      I have the exact same thing! I’ve hated my low labia all my life but have never had a male say anything negative. The only negativity I’ve received about it is from other girls/statistics of people wanting to surgically alter theirs. I’m trying to learn to love my labia as it’s a functioning and awesome part of my body.

    • I can understand not thinking your genitals look nice, often the only other ones we see are in porn and they have been surgically altered.
      Once I started having sex with women I realised that they are all different and beautiful and I had other women telling me how lovely mine was, this soon changed my mind about my own body.
      So believe your sexual apartners if they do not find anything wrong with your vulva, they have probably seen many different ones and are happy that they get to see yours.

    • Vulvaluva

      Sofia, I Struggled being very self conscious of my vulva, even from a very young age! As a young adolescent I actually thought that I had made my inner labia hang out by masterbating, and used to hate myself for my sexual urges. Nobody EVER talked about female masturbation, and the only vulvas that I had seen were perfectly simmetrical neat little pink ones in porn, so that’s what I thought they were ‘supposed’ to look like.
      It was a constant source of shame and embarrassment for me. I thought boys would make fun of me for it, and I was so nervous the fist time that I had sex with someone. I HATED guys looking at it when they went down on me, it totally put me off. For years after becoming sexually active and having a few partners (long and short term) I felt like you have described. Until I got a wonderful boyfriend who made me feel very comfortable and at ease with my body, and I just managed to put my insecurities to the side and really enjoy sex for myself, rather than thinking all the time about what I should be doing to make my partner enjoy it and think I’m good at it.
      I am now in a relationship with someone else who I trusted enough to tell my insecurities to. Obviously he thought it was ridiculous and sad that I felt that way and since I have actually told someone, I do to. Every vulva looks different, weird and wonderful, and I guarantee there is nothing wrong with yours. I really suggest voicing your fears to someone, even a nurse or doctor if you don’t feel like you could say it to someone you are having sex with. It makes it so much better once you get it off your chest and get that reassurance that you are normal, not a freak! I also found getting waxes and check ups helped because, of course, nobody ever shied away in disgust as I feared they might. They see a myriad of vulvas everyday and they all look different.

      Hope you read this, and that it serves as some help for you to know you are not alone! The porn industry alongside all the female body shaming that happens makes us all feel like freaks for having imperfections, but we certainly are not! We owe it to ourselves to try and push past the negativity that we have subconsciously learned so that we can actually spend our time thinking about the important things, rather than worrying about our perfectly functional bodies. 🙂

    • Sophie

      From an early age I had this hang up. I used to look at magazines of women in bikinis (obviously photoshopped but what did teenage me know?) and pornographic images and think….how Is it so tidy? What’s wrong with mine? I was ashamed.
      I started wearing shorts on the beach because i was embarrassed. I actually did a lot of research on how much it might cost for me to have surgery performed and was trying to save up for when i was older.
      I didn’t have any sexual encounters until I was 21 and this was the reason. I didn’t share my anxiety with my partner because i didn’t want to draw attention to it. And oral sex? I had never felt so uncomfortable and there was no way I would orgasm.
      Something that helped me slightly when I was finding this website http://www.sexylabia.com
      I even discussed it with my friends eventually when i was in my late teens.
      Slowly over time i became less self conscious because no guy ever said anything but I still wouldn’t have been comfortable with a guy looking at me down there for long.
      I’ve finally gotten to a point where I’ve become comfortable with it. I realised that maybe some people have neat little vulvas, some have big labia, some have one longer than the other, some hang out….but none are unattractive. If somebody wants to be intimate with you then they’re going to love what it looks like.
      I recently had sex with a guy who asked me to open my legs whilst sitting at my feet. I did and I said i felt exposed. He said “you are” then he said “you have a beautiful vagina”. It made me laugh a little as nobody has ever said that. But also it made me smile because i realised i was able to accept the compliment. It makes me sad to think that from such a young age i was worrying so much about it.
      Now I’m sleeping with someone I’m so comfortable with I don’t even think about it….and the sex is mind blowing.
      Take a look at that website and read the intro paragraphs.
      You’re definitely not alone there and you will be able to accept your vulva for the unique and beautiful shape it Is. I hope you find the confidence to let go of those concerns and start having the best sex of your life!

    • Kim Harris

      I have this hang up to. And to be honest I haven’t yet gotten over it fully. I think what is helping is my latest partner actually said he preferred larger Labia, but encouraged me to masterbate and get to love the way I am myself. I’m not there yet completely but definitely on the way. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in the way you feel. I hope you learn to love yours as well !

      • Lea

        So here’s the thing…The tight all tucked in labia is what you see in porn because back in the days, porn magazine would be labeled as hard core if you could see the inner labia. So the style of vulva that started being the “norm” was the one that was “tidy”. And then from there, we are now made to believe this is what is “normal”. This is all BS, clearly. Same as looking at women’s magazine and thinking your legs should be longer and thinner, you should have a thigh gap, etc. DON’T LET IT GET AT YOU! Much love.

    • Wanda

      I have that, too, and I love it! I suspect the extra surface area makes it all more sensitive. Lean into your body, sister!

    • Janes

      I was also self conscious about my labia for a long time. They are uneven and I find one to be “large”. It really helped me to see pictures of different labia and realize that large, small and all different shapes are completely normal! I was also open about it with my partner and he constantly assured me that he finds my vulva sexy which has helped me to be more relaxed during sex.

    • Adea

      Go have a look at the vulva gallery on instagram 🙂 it ‘s beautiful and it helped me a lot to see that ‘normal’ doesn’t really exist and that everyone is unique and that we should be good to our bodies instead of being ashamed of it 🙂

  3. Anna

    I have been trying to communicate this information to my partner for the 6 years that we’ve been together. Unfortunately, every attempt to communicate what is required to fulfill my sexual needs has been met with his response that to request such a thing is a calculated personal attack on his masculinity. The worst fights I have ever had in a relationship. After 6 years of desperate pleas to give me a little pleasure from our sex life too, i have no interest in entering into a sexual encounter with him. I avoid them with every possible excuse and when I’m arroused I take care of it myself. Surely, all those women who lose interest in sex in their marriage are suffering the same fate as me. It’s not that we are not sexual creatures or have no sexual appetite, it’s that unfortunately we are all stuck with husbands who couldn’t give a shit about their wives sexual pleasure. I mean my husband legit thinks that the foreplay required for pleasureable sex is get his dick hard and that’s all there is to it, aggresively shits me down when I ask for what I want and then still can’t understand why he’s never given me an orgasm… Perhaps If I present him with the work of a male scientist in such a well presented format he might finally wake up!

    • J

      Anna,
      Get you a dude who gives a shit about your happiness. Bad sex with someone who is inexperienced or otherwise genuinely trying is one thing, but a dude who just won’t do it — that’s not about doin sex badly, that’s him not caring about YOU.

    • anne

      Wow this sounds like some abusive behavior. I hope that the rest of the relationship is good for you. Sending support and hoping you get to a more fulfilling sex life (and a partner that cares about your experience!).

      <3

  4. Rose Patel

    This thread is great, I love that so many articulate points and tidbits are being shared here and that everyone seems to be staying on topic which is so rare for online discussion. I’ve found some of the information here really interesting and helpful and I think it’s fascinating that there is so little formal research done on this aspect of life that culture is pretty obsessed with. There are so many myths and I just thought I’d throw my two cents in on one: Female ejaculation.

    I’ve never orgasmed with a partner, but I masterbate semi-regularly and I ejaculate a substantial amount of fluid every time, even if I’m having several orgasms in one sitting each time there will be a clear fluid. It’s sort of annoying because it gets everywhere, and because in the scientific community there’s almost no research.
    A lot of respected institutions think it’s a myth or a trick. They’ve even made it illegal in censorship act for pornography in the UK as something that’s more obscene than what’s usually included in pornography. My everyday orgasm is too outrageous for the internet, and it’s not that I’m mad to start a life in pornography but it just seems like legally it’s not acknowledged as a normal bodily function that’s a part of ‘conventional sex’.

    For me ejaculation was something which happened once all of a sudden when I was about two years into the habit of masturbating at twenty and has happened everytime since the first. I don’t know what that means and no university is looking into it. The first study done just checked to see if it was pee and their results were really unsatisfying and unclear. There’s no statistics on whether all women have the potential to ejaculate or whether it’s a sign of something more serious going on in some cases. There’s no known correlation between ejaculation and ANYTHING else ‘unconventional’ and they’re not looking for one. Much like the female orgasm without ejaculation, there is little to no serious investigation into what it can tell us about a person’s health or well being. This website, it seems to me, is a good starting look into that.

    If any one knows how I can STOP ejaculating, because it’s really inconvenient and mysterious and therefore sort of disconcerting, I’d love some advice.

    Thank you for reading.

    • Laura

      Hi Rose,
      This also happens to me. You’re definitely not alone. For me, it seems to only happen with a certain amount of G-spot stimulation, and it’s a different sort of feeling than the orgasms I have with clitoral stimulation. It’s been frustrating to try to describe that I have “different kinds” of orgasms? I don’t even really know how to talk about it. For what it’s worth, most of the time I do ejaculate, I’m with a partner (it almost never happens when I’m on my own), and none of them has ever said anything negative about it. In fact, if they mention it at all, it’s very positive. It doesn’t happen with every partner, and definitely not every time I have sex, but when it has, it’s never been a problem for me. Men or women, they’ve all seemed to find it hot that there’s such an obvious cue that I’m enjoying the experience. And, one of my female partners also ejaculated, which I found really hot in the moment as well.
      In short, you’re definitely not alone. It’s super frustrating not even to know how to talk about this, and to find almost no actual information on it, but I wouldn’t look on it so much as a “problem” that needs to go away.

      • Me

        About female ejaculation: there are also porn videos with the so called “squirting”. For long years I wanted to be able to feel this and somewhere between 30-40 years of age I did it, and it feels great. It doesn’t happen every time when I have sex, I really need to be very aroused, but when it happens it’s a great feeling. I need to be with a man and mostly need both his hands and his penis to get so aroused. It’s something normal – why not enjoy it?

  5. Kat

    My biggest problem that I have felt so insecure about for years is not having a desire for sex… I’ll get random bursts of NEEDING it and WANTING it so bad, then after I could go a long time without it. I feel even worse when i know my partner wants sex (what feels to me like all the damn time!) And i just don’t… and it aucks because in my head I beat myself up about it… that I love my partner and should have desire for him… but physically I don’t get ready for it, and mentally I almost reeled annoyed just being touched sometimes. It also sometimes is uncomfortable and sore feeling to have sex, which also makes me not want to. It makes me feel very insecure and I wish I was like every other woman that seemingly loves and enjoys sex with their partner frequently. I want it to chnage but I can’t seem to just will myself to do it, and often times find myself forcing myself to have sex when I don’t want to because I feel lolled I’m withholding sex from my partner. Anybody have advice? I’ve been to the OBGY and they say everything looks great, I’ve always vern disease free, I’ve tried using lubes and feel like when I am really turned on my body does just fine making it’s own. So idk what to do because I feel so lost not having libido. I’m only 27. ?

    • MM

      Read ‘Untrue’ by Wednesday Martin. That will explain a lot. Women have a hard time getting aroused by the same partner year after year. Martin explains the biological reasons for this.

    • Kim

      Your comment about libido really resonated with me. It’s too easy to let other people’s expectations of sex become our own expectations. I found myself stuck in a similar loop, where I thought I should be wanting to have sex more often because my partners wanted it, and being frustrated at finding out I wasn’t that into it. And this would make me want it less, and it would make my partners want it more. I’m starting to learn to focus on my own desires more, and finding ways to communicate them more clearly. It helps that my current partner is really understanding and puts zero pressure on when or how often we have sex. That makes me want it more, and it’s awesome. I guess what I’m saying, is make sure you put yourself first! I think it’s it’s normal to have a constantly changing libido and it’s important for you and other people to accept that and love it. Hang in there!

    • Rhiannon

      Hi Kat –
      I feel this so much. I feel so bad for my husband sometimes, because I feel like I’m denying him, but he tells me that he’s a very patient man, and when we do have sex, it’s spectacular.
      But.
      That does not negate the fact that I dont have much of a libido – I have been in and out of the hospital for the last six years, and I’m stressed and tired all the time, plus clinical depression doesn’t leave much room for feeling playful.
      Have you thought about going to therapy? It might be a mental block, or you may be suffering from an undiagnosed chemical imbalance?
      Therapy is not a swearword.
      If I had the money to do so, I would be attending regularly, because there’s a lot that goes on in my head, such as having difficulty summoning feelings of love from time to time, especially for males – even for my husband and son. I was molested as a child, you see, which certainly doesn’t help my complex feelings towards my sexuality. I really am a Puritan in public and sex fiend in the sheets as a direct result.
      Anyway, just know that there are numerous women out there that have a complexedly strained relationship with sex and sexuality – it’s just more difficult for us to talk about, because all we ever hear about are the happy women with fulfilling and active sex lives.
      Much love, sweetie.

    • Caitlin

      Hi Kat,
      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a low sex drive! It is possible that you may be grey-asexual. The term covers a spectrum of sexual identities which fall somewhere between sexual and asexual, such as a person who only feels attraction or sexual urges sometimes, or a person who does feel attraction or sexual urges but has a very low sex drive, or someone who only feels attraction or sexual urges in very specific and limited situations. You might want to look up more information about grey-asexuality and see if it feels like you fit.
      https://www.glaad.org/amp/ace-guide-finding-your-community
      http://wiki.asexuality.org/Gray-A/Grey-A

    • Anna

      Kat, my friend studied sexology and she told me something that I found so enlightening. She said that (generally speaking) the longer women go without sex, the less they desire it. But the longer men go without it, the more they desire it. It’s why often women in long term relationships can become very okay with never having sex, but that rarely happens for men. As women, we need consistent emotional and physical intimacy to keep our sex drive alive. If yours feels like it is waning, introduce small sexy gestures gradually again, like a butt squeeze or little neck kisses etc. I’m 29 and I can never ever feel turned on if I don’t feel emotionally connected to my partner. I also barely ever initiate sex because I don’t feel turned on until my partner spends a lot of time exploring my body. Every woman’s sex drive is different. A girlfriend of mine says that she has to have sex everyday or she will go mad, but I can go for much longer without it. Also, some medications can dampen sex drive. I’m on anti-depressants and I know that they can definitely have an effect.
      Anyway- just some thoughts ?

    • J

      Kat, this was my experience during the last couple years I was with my ex-fiance. I had no interest in any kind of sexual intimacy. It was very frustrating for both of us, obviously for him because he wasn’t receiving an important
      part of what he needed and wanted out of our relationship and for me because I couldn’t provide what he needed. I would just “suck it up” at times but he knew when I wasn’t enjoying it no matter how much I tried to fake it and that wasn’t enjoyable for him either. He began to feel insecure that I didn’t desire him even though I repeatedly told him that it wasn’t HIM. I had completely lost my libido and I became depressed it because I’ve always been a very sexual person and I felt I lost such an important part of myself and my life. I did a ridiculous amount of research on how to get it back, what might be causing it, different medications, visualizing myself with other men I found attractive. I even considered a sex therapist. I ended up leaving him for different reasons. It wasn’t until a year after we broke up that I had sex with a new partner and Holy Sh*t! It was incredible. And sex has been amazing with other partners ever since. Turns out I hadn’t lost my libido, it was my intuition responding to a situation I didn’t want to be in. I was confused at the time because I loved him, or at least I thought I did. I’m not saying this is your situation but I figured I’d share my experience as food for thought.

    • Renee

      I have the same issue, I’m 24 and I am perfectly content having sex once a month or less to be honest, but I try to have it more often for my boyfriends sake. He has a high sex drive and I think his feelings are hurt when I turn him down for sex. Sometimes I start and immediately regret it, it’s uncomfortable and hurts and I just want to cry, even with a lot of foreplay, and even if I literally tease myself to almost organizing. Of course he’s always understanding when we stop. Try looking into vaginismus and pelvic inflamitory disease, maybe this could be contributing? It could also be psychological, either from previous sexual trauma, or just from feelings of anxiousness and not being able to relax which could tense up your muscles. I’m hoping to find a solution one day, best of luck to you!

    • Elisa

      I’m in that exact same boat with you Kat. I actually breathed a sigh of relief reading your message seeing that it’s not just me. I love my husband too and I want to be able to please him and have sex more often but I feel that soreness too. When we do manage to have sex I feel like a kid cuz it hurts and I feel like he’s too big for me when he used to fit just fine. Sometimes I just try to bear through it but it hurts pretty bad when I do that. This started right around when I was 26-27 and now I’m 29 and still dealing with it. We tried lubes too and very rarely works. Most of the time I hope and pray that he isn’t in the mood because I know I’m not in the mood. And even when I go get in the mood I don’t try to initiate anything because I know I probably won’t be able to finish it. I’ll start hurting and want to stop. Then I end up feeling like a bad partner and upset or crying and he feels like he has to try and make me feel better but nothing really does and then we end up just being upset all night. It sucks.

    • M

      Hey Kat,
      I was reading thru the many comments here and had to reply. Bear with me here, this is kinda long-ish.

      I first became sexually aware around age 12. I started masturbating but really had no idea what I was doing. My mom “caught” me a few times and would interrogate me whenever it happened. When I got my period for the first time and she was showing me how to use a tampon, she literally recoiled at the sight of my lips and told me that they looked like “grandma lips” and that no man would ever want that. So…you can imagine that, while I had a desire for the pleasure I was feeling, I rather started out on the wrong foot emotionally when it came to sex. But i got older and had friends who I was close enough with to talk about these things and that helped a little. So when i was 17, i told my boyfriend at the time that i was ready to have sex (penetration, cause we had already done some oral…mostly me sucking him off). And I’m excited, nervous, and not sure what to expect. You can imagine my shock when he couldn’t even get inside me for quite a while and, when he finally did, I felt…nothing. I mean, the pressure of skin on skin, yes, but nothing at all pleasurable. I chalked it up to first time issues. But it just kept happening, partner after partner. And I realized a few years into college that I didnt even really want sex. No sex drive -at all-.

      I guess I figured my body just wasnt capable of pleasure that way. I therefore decided I would have sex but derive my pleasure from giving a guy pleasure. Yep, you can imagine how that went. I’m in my twenties, no desire to have sex but doing it anyway and becoming very resentful.

      Fast forward to today. I’m in my early forties and _nothing_ has changed. I really thought I was cursed until I read a few articles here and there, but even then I thought I was just an unlucky rarity. Reading through the comments people are leaving here, comments like yours, gives me hope that at least I’m not alone, I’m not weird, this “not feeling” feeling and the complete lack of sexual desire are plaguing others too…. I’m hoping I’ll figure it out one day soon? My husband wants to have sex at least once a day and I give in because I love him, but it’s only ever about him. Like me, he’s just given into the idea that I have no sex drive and could live the rest of my life, comfortable and happy without sex and super-semi-occasional masturbation.

      I guess what my long-winded life story is trying to say (TLDR) is dont give up. There are others like you, like me, out there. If you figure it out, though, drop a comment somewhere, anywhere…you never know who’s reading.

      • Vanna

        I’m getting almost emotional and teary eyed reading all of these comments about women with no sex drive. I always thought I was the only one and that there was something “wrong” with me or my body. I could go the rest of my life without sex and be 100% okay, but I know that would not be okay for my husband. Like most men, he always is in the mood for sex, but he’s learned to never initiate it or talk about it because every time we try I end up stopping us because I’m in so much pain or so frustrated that my body isn’t responding the way I want it to. We have gone as long as 18 months without even trying to have sex. I know it’s starting to destroy my marriage, but I’m not sure what else to try – I’ve been to multiple doctors, tried lube, different positions, masturbation, etc. Thankfully my husband is super patient and never makes me feel badly about it, but it bothers ME and I feel badly about it constantly. I’m always beating myself up about it every damn day which of course doesn’t help me relax at all…
        It’s such a relief to know that I’m not alone! Thes

      • Alena

        Hey M,

        your story is the story of my life! I’m 24 and already loosing hope that the things will ever change for me.
        I grew up in rural part of Russia where society’s understanding of sexuality is very uptight. I became aware of sexuality at the age of 12 and secretly started to watch these films for adults until I’ve been caught by my parents and shamed in front of the whole family.
        I’ve been also kind of deterred by sex because of some church-related anti-abortion propaganda videos I was offered to watch with the images of dissected fetuses and horrors of teenage pregnancies.
        I mean these things about pregnancy are really important to know but only bombarding myself with this horrific pictures combined with the strong devaluation of masturbation and stainig of self-determined dealing with my own sexuality in my surroundings – at least having only bad information about sex and denying it beatiful side were the way too much.

        Partners after partners I suffered from this problem of badly wanting sexual desire and not having it until I met my current boyfriend, whom I finaly managed to tell the truth and he told me that he loves me as I am. That ment a big relief for me but still… I keep feeling abandoned in that issue.
        One day my partner showed me the first season of OMGyes. I was really excited and as we clicked through all of these articels I started to cry because I saw women pushing on different spots of their body and feeling pleasure but nowhere were women who did’t feel much or even sore like me.

        Some post here was about the awareness of a asexuality or grey-asexuality. I thought asexuality was about folks who don’t have any libido but even don’t feel bad about this. For me it’s not only about not providing something to my partner it’s about the expierience I badly desire to make for my own life.

        Is anybody out there in the world managed to deal with this?

    • Morgane

      This could be correlated with the different times of your cycles. I crave sex when I ovulate, and for the week before my period it’s often difficult to get aroused. You could try tracking your cycles to get a clearer picture 🙂 it’s helped me a lot finding sense in my sensations and feeling less guilt like yours.

  6. Susan

    It’s so refreshing to read these comments and to relate to them so closely. When I was fairly young, perhaps 17 or 18 I went for a smear test, and after the test, the nurse commented on the ‘amount of skin I had down there’!. How horrendous is that? It’s bad enough getting naked and having a smear test, but then for the nurse to pass judgement on what I looked like was awful. I had that thought in my head for a long long time, that I was different and that I had a lot of skin down there. It made me very self conscious. Then one day I saw a piece of art in Brighton, it is moulds or plaster casts of many many different womens’ vaginas, lined up as a piece of art, there must be at least 16 different casts of real vaginas displayed. I know they are real, because a couple of my friends sat for them i.e. had a mould done of their vagina, to create a cast of for the art work. All at once I realised that I was neither the biggest, nor the smallest, of any of the features of the vaginas, the lips, the skin, the clit, it was a great relief to see that they come in absolutely all shapes and sizes and therefore I had nothing to worry about, about ‘having a lot of skin down there.’

  7. Rachel Farina

    All the men I’ve been with love that I have large labia and lips. More to suck one. One even took a picture. I was never self-conscious because I didn’t watch porn, thank god.

    Any guy with a sex drive is sooooooo not picky about these things. They’re so happy to just put it in. But honestly — they love love love larger labia/

  8. Christy

    I also hope this website and the researchers continue to look into female orgasms of all kinds, as well as body image, and desire. I have experienced all of the above and can relate to the majority of comments. I have had numerous types of orgasms – clitoral, vaginal, G-Spot (squirting). I also have large labia and when I was younger used to feel self-conscious about it. I don’t anymore and understand that what a man really wants and thrives on is if you feel sexy and good about yourself and how you look. Desire is also an interesting topic. I had always had insatiable desire and then after children, it waned and I also felt like I was having sex with my husband even when I didn’t want to, in order to please him. The desire never fully went away, but it decreased significantly from what we were used to and it really affected our marriage. I also had no reason not to desire him. He was the best lover I ever had and helped me discover new orgasms (besides clitoral) as well as helped me feel confident about my body and sexuality. He was very open. Now, I am a widow and I’m in my early 40’s. I am scared that I won’t find someone as great as him in bed. However, one interesting thing that has happened that I truly did not expect (and some people would not understand) is that my desire has returned in full force to be with a man. It is so intense that I now notice every man all the time and feel fire throughout my entire body. I very much want to be with a man and feel desired and pleasure. So, I look forward to continuing to read about the female orgasm and how we can continue to normalize this subject and educate men and women. There is really nothing greater than when you have a very satisfying sex life.

  9. Laura??

    As a sexual trauma survivor from a patriarchal Misogynistic home, where I was shamed and violated, I can see that it might be a good investment in a way to normalize my own thinking of my body, my pleasure, my sexuality, and regain ownership of my relationship with myself, my perceptions of being female and the visuals of the female body.

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