Hello all. I have some new posts for you to read which have been published since we last checked in.
A Housing Crisis Case Study: The 26th Balboa Reservoir Project Hearing
Breaking: San Francisco Red Tape Causes Displacement
Could a Housing Bill Fight Segregation in San Francisco?
Can SF Trust Mark Farrell to Fight Police Abuse in Union Negotiations?
It feels very good to be doing political writing again.
In the meantime, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want in the romantic/sexual realm. One thing I’ve been thinking about is how much I crave mutual infatuation. I desperately miss that can’t-get-enough feeling. I miss the excitement and obsession and energy of falling in love. Lately the men I feel that for don’t feel it as much for me as I do for them. One thing that I think is blocking me from mutual infatuation is that I want someone to feel more jazzed about me than I feel about myself.
I am not in love with myself. I am not infatuated with myself. Which is probably a good thing. I think those people are usually intolerable.
But I do also think there’s a healthy middle, where I… I don’t really know what it looks like. I know that I do not enjoy my own company. I do not like being alone.
A potentially related thing that’s been happening for the past few months is that conversations with my friends often leave me feeling lonely and tired. I listen to them with genuine interest, asking follow-up questions and seeking to understand their emotions and motivations. But when there is space in the conversation for me to share, I say very little. Part of it is that I don’t believe they are really interested in what I have to say. Because I need silent space to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head and into the world and I can’t get that in these conversations because my conversation partners usually fill that space with their own speech. I don’t really want to take up more space. I don’t get that much out of talking at people. I don’t get much of anything out of talking over people.
Maybe I don’t believe they’re interested in part because I do not think I am particularly interesting. Nor am I especially insightful, beautiful, smart, or funny. I used to think I was all of these (though thank God never at the same time). I think having grown out of thinking that I’m special is one of my best qualities. So that’s probably step one. Genuinely liking myself for some reason other than being special is probably step two.
I think being in love and being loved may require me to get more jazzed about myself. But part of me also thinks being loved would help me feel more jazzed about myself. I see myself differently when I see myself through the eyes of a close lover. When that lover needs to see me as less-than for his own ego, I start to see myself as less-than. But when a lover sees me as worthy, I start to see myself as more worthy. It would seem to be helpful to have a stronger sense of self, a self-worth less impacted by the way others perceive me. At the same time, what am I worth outside of my relationships to other people? We are social creatures who exist to be in relationship with others. If you say I have worth just for existing what does that actually mean? If everything has worth nothing has worth. Worth is, by definition, relative. Right? But then that just sets up a comparison game which seems like a losing strategy.
I fucking hate Jordan Peterson but while watching a talk he gave outlining his book I was struck by the chapter on self-care. I too often treat myself like I am not important, especially health-wise. Perhaps part of liking myself is acting like I’m someone I want the best for and that I’m someone who I’m willing to sacrifice for.
I think maybe that I have worth, we all have worth, just for existing. Because existing is more interesting than not existing. And because we are all unique. Maybe that’s it. What we choose to do with that, with our existence and our unique makeup, makes us more and less special but maybe not more or less worthy. I don’t know.
Anyways, that’s something I’m thinking about lately. Love to you all. <3
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