Text from a girlfriend:
I’m “dating” this guy. I don’t really date but he straight-up asked me if I wanted to be his monogamous girlfriend. I was like uhhh I guess.
He’s hot. And we have lots of mutual interests. We’ve been dating for about six weeks. He won’t have sex with on my period, I can tell he’s uncomfortable going down on me. I’ve literally dropped my towel — ass naked — and told him to fuck me. And he’s like, “I’m busy.” Or “I don’t feel like it.” Also he was uncomfortable when he accidentally rolled over onto my vibrator which I accidentally left under my pillow and was weirded out that I’ve had sex with a girl. Are these legit reasons to break up? Had to share, want your opinion.
First thoughts, he sounds like he’s not super into vaginas. In my experience, people who enjoy vaginas aren’t weirded out when they bleed, get masturbated, and have sex with other vagina-havers. It also sounds like his sex drive is lower than yours. Bottom line: These are all perfectly legitimate reasons to decide someone isn’t an ideal partner, especially a monogamous one.
However.
When I was younger, I felt rejected and insecure when my partner’s sex drive dipped below mine. Since then I’ve learned that my sex drive is unusually high. Plus, the difference between men’s and women’s average libido is much smaller than I’d been conditioned to believe. And there’s much more to sex drive than attractiveness.
Ideally, a lower sex drive is an inconvenience, not a source of angst. But you’ve got to be real with yourself here. If it gives you angst, is this something you can work through?
What would still give me angst about this guy is his apparent attitude toward my ladyparts. I’m not saying that an aversion of indifference toward a pussy means misogyny. Clearly not all gay men or asexual individuals hate women. But it does set off some alarm bells. Beyond that though, I just can’t imagine having sex with someone who’s not crazy about my vag. Seems like a drag to feel like my partner is freaked out by or indifferent about getting all up in these guts.
Side note: One of my favorite memories is an early boyfriend who got down there and stayed there. It wasn’t about pursuing a goal to make me come and proving he’s good at it. Instead, he took the tack that he didn’t know what he was doing and wanted to learn. He took his time, no pressure, no hurry, just learned by experimentation how I liked being touched. It’s never happened like that since. I certainly can’t see it happening with someone who doesn’t adore your pussy.
But, I’ve also discovered in my nearly 30 years on this planet that not everyone uses sex as a basis for making decisions to quite the extent that I do.
Being partnered up is something I used to take for granted. Six months ago, I became single for the first time. Since then, I’ve been thinking for the first time about whether I want to be partnered again. Partnership has many benefits outside of sex — stability, shared property, economies of scale, the simplicity of knowing who’s going to pick you up from the hospital.
In many ways, partnership is actually antithetical to good sex. Women’s sexual attraction to their partners drops off more significantly and faster than men’s. And research shows women actually need more novelty for arousal than men do. A good friend of mine doesn’t have sex at all with her husband. She’s probably not the only one, but she’s the only one who’s upfront about it with me.
Truth be told, it just seems odd to me that the person I live with, buy groceries for, and pick up from the airport needs to be the person I fuck. Those are completely different activities, are they not, with different requirements?
What I’ve figured out is that for the purpose of making my life easier, friends are much better than boyfriends or husbands. Being single has given me the time, and impetus, to develop a nice squad. They specialize, so one doesn’t have to be good at meeting all my needs. Their number means one is likely to be free when I need help. And my friends don’t get jealous when I talk to other friends.
But the other thing I’ve figured out is that while friends will work in a pinch for the purpose of sex, they’re really far inferior to a romantic partner. Mutual respect and emotional intimacy are kinda necessary for great sex for me, and getting to that level with multiple people just takes a ton of time and work.
So at this point, I couldn’t imagine partnering with someone for any purpose other than mind-blowing sex. It’s the one thing a partner can more easily provide than my friends. (I’m not buying a house or having kids tho, that may change the calculus.)
And I think as long as couples are honest about the need for novelty sex can stay fun, or ideally improve, as time goes on.
So, if this dude is ideal for having kids and buying a house with, and sex isn’t important to you, or you can work out a poly arrangement, and he’s definitely not a misogynist, I say go for it. If not, I say break up with him, lean on your friends for practical and material support, and go find someone who really wants to get up in them guts!
As always, my darling Cathy, you have hit the nail on the head.
“Truth be told, it just seems odd to me that the person I live with, buy groceries for, and pick up from the airport needs to be the person I fuck. Those are completely different activities, are they not, with different requirements?”
I completely agree with this statement. Now all we need to is figure out how to convey to the person we live with that, even though we enjoy the novelty of a new sexual partner, that it doesn’t mean that we love/care for them any less. Insecurity is just …. well… plain unattractive.
Maybe your friend’s vagina smells foul?
It was hard to get beyond the text in the beginning.
If a man’s not willing to go down on you and put in some work or if he has issues with you masturbating, then he’s probably going to be a selfish partner in more ways than one. I would also suggest that if your response to his request for monogamy was , “uhh, I guess,” then it’s probably not going to work out. As a man, if that was the response I got, I’d quickly realize that she wasn’t as into the relationship as me, and perhaps I need to recalculate.
While we’re often tricked into believing relationship should be like those we see on television or in the movies, which they’re not, they also should not be something spawned from “just settling.” I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than to just settle, as I imagine that would be a lot lonelier – both sexually and emotionally.
Generally agree with this. Just one question and one point
a) “Women’s sexual attraction to their partners drops off more significantly and faster than men’s. And research shows women actually need more novelty for arousal than men do.”
This took me a bit by surprise. Can you point me to the research that substantiates these two points?
b) “In many ways, partnership is actually antithetical to good sex […] And I think as long as couples are honest about the need for novelty sex can stay fun, or ideally improve, as time goes on […] Truth be told, it just seems odd to me that the person I live with, buy groceries for, and pick up from the airport needs to be the person I fuck”
From the normative perspective I absolutely agree with you. But from (my) descriptive perspective I have some reservations about how generalizable this actually is. For many people partnership is not antithetical to good sex but the choice between having sex and not having sex at all. I for one very rarely had sex outside a partnership and it’s not because I didn’t want to (especially during longer periods of having no partner, duh) . People lacking a certain degree of hook-up skills and level of universal attractiveness have a much harder time of establishing something that resembles a sex life outside a partnership (or acquiring third parties for the novelty while in a partnership)
It would be a better world if these social arrangements became more flexible but I don’t really see it happening.