This was a big weekend for me. I moved in with Sam. Our place is so beautiful and new and spacious. It feels like a dream. It feels like I’m playing in someone else’s life.
Guys, I’m so crazy. Last night Sam was out picking up furniture with Ev. And I hadn’t heard from him in a few hours and he wasn’t looking at his Facebook messages. And I knew they were rolling by Ev’s place and he’s seeing this person who lives with Ev and Ella and I’m picturing him just hanging out with them instead of enjoying our first night in our new place together and getting upset.
And then I’m like, “You crazy bitch. He’s out picking up furniture, breaking his back, taking up his whole day, spending his money FOR YOU. He fucking loves the shit out of you and you’re making up scenarios where he might hurt your feelings stop that crazy ass.”
Turns out his phone had died and he was definitely not hanging out with any other lovers. Of course.
I was thinking last night how my mom always thinks people don’t like her. How sad it is to have essentially a vision defect that keeps you from seeing that you’re loved. But I do the same damn thing! Sam goes above and beyond for me constantly, he told me last night he’d do anything to make me a little happier, and he’s not lying. But if he says or does one thing which I could possibly construe as rejection it’s all I can see or feel. My mind goes straight to the worst-case scenario sometimes. It’s hard too because if I admit how insecure I am to him that just makes me even less attractive.
What a nightmare for both of us. I’m trying to recognize this about myself without beating myself up about it or letting it go into a shame spiral. It’s very difficult to achieve that balance.
The difference between poly and mono is when the poly person gets jealous they want to change their emotion and when the mono person gets jealous they want to change their partner’s emotion. Learning that I can choose to take responsibility for my own feelings has been the greatest gift poly has given me. It has given me the toolset to entertain the idea that maybe Sam is not the problem. Maybe sometimes my insecurity is the problem.
I’m seeing this other guy, and like so worried about what he thinks about me. Whether or not he *really* likes me or just wants to put it in me. And I’m like, if I want him to really like who I am, literally all I have to do is really like who he is. It’s just that simple.
It’s just like, it’s vanishingly rare that I love someone and they don’t love me back. People really aren’t like that. The secret to happiness is so simple: Love people. Love more people. Love the people I already love harder.
It’s simple, but it’s not easy.