Girl, Stop Letting Democrat and GOP Screw You. Give Libertarian a Chance.

Girl, when it comes to sex, we have really been getting screwed lately, am I right? We were promised free birth control, only to find out it came with canceled insurance plans and higher premiums. We looked at our other political option, only to see legally mandated transvaginal ultrasounds for committing the crime of miscarrying. What are marginally politically aware women like us to do?

Listen, I know Democrat is a smooth talker, and tells you exactly what you want to hear. But the hard truth is that he’s always going to go behind your back and make deals with that hussy the health insurance industry, or whichever corporate lobby seems to “really get” him.

And I know that sometimes GOP seems to make sense on fiscal issues. But while there’s nothing wrong with liking to be called a whore in bed, girl, I hate to be the one to tell you but being with someone who calls you a whore on national talk radio for taking birth control veers straight across six lanes of traffic and takes the exit for neanderthal misogyny lane.

It would be great if Democrat cared about you like he said he did. I don’t blame you for trusting him. On paper, Democrat made the perfect partner.

He felt your pain. Employer-provided health insurance screws you. You spend more on healthcare than men, and more often depend on a partner for health insurance. And why in the world does most health insurance cover Viagra but not all forms of birth control? He asked these kinds of questions too.

But then he refused to put in the work to get you health care. Instead of divorcing medical care from full-time employment, he forced you to buy a now-more-expensive plan from his mistress. You’re an independent, self-assured woman. If you’d wanted to get screwed by Blue Cross and Blue Shield you would have told him so when you talked about your fantasies. And he threatened you! I know I don’t have to tell you that fines for not buying products are not part of a healthy relationship. I, too, thought Democrat cared about consent.

You looked back at GOP, seeking solace. But all he ever talks about is how he doesn’t want to pay for your birth control. I know what you’re thinking: Bitch, I don’t want you to either! We both just want to be able to afford it. He says it’s about cost, but then he shrugs when his friends call you a whore for using birth control. I, too, wonder whether maybe he’s still a virgin.

He never asks you how you’re doing or seems to care about your needs. When you complain to him about work, he condescendingly reminds you that your place is in the home. The best that can be said for him is that he doesn’t pretend to care.

Listen, these are guys are bad news. You can do better. There’s one more option for you. Not everyone knows this, but I know you flirted with him, secretly, years ago. He had some good ideas, and was clearly smart, but you rejected him because he was too weird and nerdy.

Yes, Libertarian can be super annoying. True, he doesn’t really seem to care that much about you either, and rarely talks about your needs. But, trust me, he really is good. If he could have, he would have ended the employment/insurance tie, so you could actually afford your own birth control. And his commitment to non-aggression means he never would have let Blue Cross do nasty things to you without consent. He doesn’t talk about sex very much, and he’s super awkward when he does. But he will never, ever use force to get in the way of your ability to have a great, safe time.

Smooth talking and occasional rough treatment definitely have their appeal. But ultimately, it comes down to respect. You need to be with someone whose word and intentions you can trust. Libertarian may not be the sexiest or the smoothest. He doesn’t always know what to say. But he’s a straight shooter with a good heart. Give him a whirl. If nothing else, GOP and Democrat might stop taking you for granted.