And that’s why I don’t take Ambien anymore.

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My friends got married this past weekend. And two people from the same small friend group got married weekend before last. I’m not going to lie. I resented these weddings when I bought the plane tickets. Being unemployed didn’t help. Nor did me being a short-sighted self-centered asshole. But I had the very best time. We slipped right back into our old selves, but this time we had White Claw. 

I’ve learned to value long friendships more as I’ve gotten older. It’s not always all about convenience. 

Some people are worth some inconvenience. Some moments are worth more than you could have ever imagined. Like gathering arms with 20 or so sweaty-ass people after having danced more and harder than ever in your life, singing Auld Lang Syne with the bride and groom. Also finding out, having known the bride for years, that you have very similar music tastes. 

The DJ rocked, is what I mean to say. 

I’m so glad I’ve had eight years between my divorce and now. Today I can be pretty straightforwardly happy for the couples. The only word I can think of to describe the way a couple on their wedding day reminds me of being that young and hopeful is bittersweet. The word occurred to me during that particular wave of emotion and it was like I’d never felt the real thing before. Like all my life I’d been tasting aspartame. 

The brides were so beautiful, and gracious. The first wedding had the most touching, authentic vows. The second had a toast from the groom that was somehow exactly all the right things to say that I never would have thought of. Also, my DC friends are funny as fuck.

It made me remember when a friend decided I was going to be part of his friend group. I would find out later they weren’t at all sure about me, and definitely not happy with his characteristic top-down group decision style. And I had no fucking clue what gold he’d handed me. 

But we won each other over. I did the dishes so they’d let me hang out at the house. And because it calmed down my social anxiety. They loved me when I was weird and awkward. They are the funniest, realest people I’ve ever known beyond my immediate family. And, damn it. These hos are loyal. I hope to one day deserve such good friends. 

Also, funny story. I used to take Ambien to sleep. Some people take it recreationally but I never found it particularly pleasant. I did have a fair amount of sex I don’t remember on it. Apparently I’m a great lover on Ambien. Knowing that I do things I can’t remember on it, I used to put my phone on airplane mode to prevent online mishaps. 

Tuesday morning I learned that that plan isn’t foolproof. 

My memories of all this are hazy. But it all started with a work-related idea. I have only vague memories of recording two videos on Instagram wherein I complained about about the filter looking like blackface. I know I recorded them naked in my bed. 

I also remember thinking it was a great idea to send these videos to many, many of my friends, former bosses, and other acquaintances. 

These memories came flooding back to me when I checked Instagram messages and the app started sending messages to people. I guess because when I recorded them my phone was still on airplane mode.  

I can’t watch the videos, but my work hubs assured me that there was no nudity. And that’s why I don’t take Ambien anymore.

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